


not your fault but mine

by lord_is_it_mine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 9x03 Coda, Angst, Blow Jobs, Episode: s09e03 I'm No Angel, First Time Blow Jobs, Frottage, M/M, Oral Sex, Sex in the Impala, Shower Sex, Smut, Two Shot, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-26
Updated: 2014-10-24
Packaged: 2018-01-06 06:16:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1103396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lord_is_it_mine/pseuds/lord_is_it_mine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>By the time he's finished with the (crazy to most people) story of technical consent and angel meds and Zeke's ultimatum and 'I did it to save Sammy, I had to', they're sitting face to face, knees barely touching and it's like fucking summer camp because he's spilling all his secrets like it won't actually change anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. didn't i my dear? (i really fucked it up this time)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or maybe he just wants to redo last night, to have spent it making Cas forget April's name, searing his own name onto Cas's skin instead of sitting in his own room just thinking about doing it. But now it's morning, and Cas is leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title of the fic and first chapter is from [Little Lion Man - Mumford & Sons](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLJf9qJHR3E)

Dean is _not_ crying- there's just something in his eye.

It's the morning after the worst conversation Dean has ever had, and all he wants is more time. He gave Cas the night to rest and most of the morning to pack a bag- he's been running around grabbing clothes he doesn't need so Cas can have something, anything- but now he just wants more time. Or maybe he just wants to redo last night, to have spent it making Cas forget April's name, searing his  _own_  name onto Cas's skin instead of sitting in his own room just thinking about doing it. But now it's morning, and Cas is leaving.

So yeah, maybe he is kind of crying.

"Dean."

He can't even look Cas in the fucking eye, but he has the sneaking suspicion that if he did, he wouldn't see a shred of anger, hatred, nothing. And of course that, well that just makes Dean even angrier and guiltier and  _god damnit_ , Cas puts a hand on his shoulder and he has no choice but to look up (just like he has no choice but to do the worst thing to Cas that he can possibly imagine short of killing the guy himself).

"Dean, I understand."

Cas knows. Dean hasn't given much explanation other than "I'm sorry Cas it's about Sammy, I-" but Cas is still Cas, and Cas can still see through every layer of shit that Dean has covered himself in.

They're standing outside the bunker, Cas with a backpack slung over his shoulder and Dean holding his duffel- the sun is out and Dean wishes is was raining now more than he has ever wished for almost anything. He's agreed to drive Cas to whatever place he's decided to go, and he hopes that maybe it's somewhere really far away so that they can be in the car for a long time. Sam hasn't even talked to Dean since he found out about this. He just said something along the lines of "What the  _fuck_  Dean?" and gave him the ultimate _you had better have a damn good reason for this we'll talk about it later_  bitch-face.

But right now is about Cas. And how he  _understands_.

"How, Cas? How the hell could you possibly understand?" Dean isn't angry but he sure as shit isn't okay with Cas being so chill about all of this. But of course in answer to his question, the former angel just squints and tilts his head.

"You should be mad, Cas. You should be fucking pissed, you should be fighting every authority on this every step of the way, you should hate me right now, you-”

"I could never hate you Dean," is the response he gets. The hand on his shoulder moves up to his face, keeping him from avoiding Cas's gaze, which, by the way, is still as intense as ever.

"You are human, Dean. You are flawed and weak and you-" he pauses, as if his train of thought just went off the rails- "you put your family before all else. You lied to save my life, and I suspect you lied to save Sam's life also, and if the decision you've made could have been made any other way, I know you wouldn't have me leave. I am human. I am flawed and I am weak and you-"

“Cas, stop pretending this whole thing doesn’t fucking bother you. Because it fucking bothers me!” Dean shouts. Shouting is kind of his only way to cope right now.

"Alright, _FINE_.” In a flash, calm, _understanding_ Cas is gone, replaced by the fierce warrior that Dean used to be almost afraid of. His eyes narrow and his mouth falls at the corners more than in normally does, and Dean can’t remember the last time Cas looked at him like this. He looks incredibly _human_.

“It _bothers_ me, Dean!” Cas almost yells. “I feel betrayed. I am sad and angry and I don't know _why_ you're _doing_ this. You had a choice and I wasn’t the choice you made, it hurts, and it is one of the more painful emotions I’ve felt recently. I should hate you, quite frankly I want to, I have every reason to, but I don’t, and I doubt that what I _do_ feel for you has anything at all to do with _reason_.”

Dean swallows hard, trying in vain to ignore the obvious implications of  _that_  statement.

“It _bothers_ me. Because I still _trust_ you.”

"But how can you?" _Please don’t Cas, don’t because obviously the only thing I’m good at is hurting you. Please don’t say you trust me._

"I have lost my faith in everything else Dean Winchester. Please don't ask me to lose my faith in you as well."

And then Cas is pressing his lips to Dean's like his life depends on it, and Dean is pressing right back, dropping the duffel bag on the ground and holding on for dear life to the sides of Cas's jacket. He hears the distant sound of Cas dropping his backpack and then arms are around his shoulders, fingertips pulling at the short hairs on the back of his neck and he shivers.

The kiss is by no means soft or tender or whatever the hell you would expect a first kiss to be- it’s hard and it’s rough but it quickly becomes the best first kiss ever. Dean almost jumps out of his skin at first but then melts into it like he’s done it a million times. He’s tempted to open his eyes and pinch himself and a butt load of other things that would prove that he is in fact dreaming. But he can’t bring himself to check because if this is a dream, it trumps every other dream he has ever had. So he goes right along with it and Cas pulls him closer, not quite slamming but definitely pushing him against the side of the Impala. It's been a long time since Dean has been physically close to someone like this- and the fact that it's Cas just builds the heat in his gut even faster.

"Cas-" he half gasps half groans when the kiss ends and those perpetually chapped lips are dragging across his face and down his neck. Under any other circumstances Dean would say something snarky like ' _A little eager, are we? Where's the fire?'_ but he knows exactly where the fire is- it's burning across his skin wherever Cas's mouth and hands are going, memorizing his collarbone and slipping underneath the bottom of his shirt.

"Yes Dean?" Cas doesn't even sound out of breath. He pulls back for a second, gauging the hunter's expression. His pupils are blown wide and his cheeks are flushed, bringing out the freckles, every one of which the ex-angel knows off by heart.

"Please, don't stop, don't-" Dean's pleas come to an abrupt end when Cas kisses him again, this time coaxing Dean's mouth open and swallowing his moan when their tongues meet. It's like licking a battery and Dean thinks  _okay there's the anger_ , because Cas is suddenly pouring all his physical strength into this kiss. It turns really heated really quickly and suddenly Cas pulls the car door open and shoves Dean inside and Dean has very much forgotten the fact that Cas is supposed to be leaving, because he is here, now, as close as it gets, tangled up with him in the backseat. And then Cas rolls his hips slightly and Dean's heart skips like at least three beats because  _fuck_ , he didn't realize how hard he was getting until right now.

Cas connects his whole body with Dean’s, revelling in the vibrations of the sounds he’s making when they meet his lips, the almost electric buzz that seems to emit from every inch of him. This is nothing like his night with April- he will admit that it was not an unpleasant experience, even if she did later attempt to kill him- but being with Dean is just somehow deeper, and he wonders if it’s because he trusts Dean and needs him and is so hurt and angered by him- and he wonders how such light and such darkness can be so utterly _perfect_ together. Dean shifts underneath him and he feels Dean’s arousal press against his own, and a near feral growl rips from his throat. He begins to move against Dean in earnest and he struggles to form a coherent thought, which oddly doesn’t bother him in the slightest.

Dean is losing his head in the best way possible. It’s gotten to the point where any thought of Cas ever being gone has left his mind entirely. Cas’s hot, wet breath meets his throat, followed by a hot, wet mouth sucking on a certain spot on his neck hard enough that it damn well better bruise, because yes, it has been too _damn_ long since Cas marked him. And all the while their hips grind together in perfect time and Dean thanks God or whoever for April because obviously Cas learned a few things. It occurs to Dean that maybe Cas didn’t _learn_ anything- maybe he’s just a natural- and yeah, Dean is totally bitter that he didn’t get to be the first to find that out. So he runs his hands under Cas’s shirt, up his back and across his sides- and he is particularly proud of the positively wrecked moan he gets from the other man when his fingernails barely scrape over the new tattoo- just as their hips meet one last time.

They both come within seconds of each other, Cas with a muffled Cry of Dean’s name, and Dean with a loud sigh of _Cas_. They just kind of lay there after that, huffing and puffing and trying to catch their breath in the aftershocks- and Dean feels relaxed for the first time in almost a week- until he remembers where they are and what they’ve actually just done and the fact that Cas is leaving and the only one to blame is him.

And so he breaks down and tells Cas everything.

By the time he’s finished with the (crazy to most people) story of technical consent and angel meds and Zeke’s ultimatum and _I did it to save Sammy, I had to_ , they’re sitting face to face, knees barely touching and it’s like fucking summer camp because he’s spilling all his secrets like it won’t actually change anything, and maybe it won’t- because Cas still has to go and it’s still his fault.

And then Cas just takes his hand, (an incredibly normal thing to do yet it somehow blows Dean’s mind) and whispers,

“I’ll go then.”

“Cas, I don’t want you to, but-”

“It’s alright Dean, I understand.”

“Does it still bother you?”

“Yes.” _But I trust you_.

“Well okay then, I guess, but-”

“We should clean ourselves up before we leave.” Cas finishes. And yeah, this sucks. Yeah Cas is going and yeah it bothers him; _however_... well at least there’s a however.

“Yeah. Shouldn’t take too long, the water pressure is great.”


	2. although i wished you could stay (i pushed you away)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because he still knows that when all of this is over, they’ll be getting in the (front seat) of the Impala and heading to either the nearest bus stop or the next state- and neither of those places are where Dean ever wants Cas to go. But for reasons Dean is really starting to not like but apparently has to live with, Cas has to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked to add a second chapter to this. that was a year ago. I FINALLY DID IT. title of this chapter is from [Sinking Man - Of Monsters And Men](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1RLxVj8NDw)

Dean would like to think that this was really supposed to be just an honest to God shower- but the minute they have to stop making out like horny teenagers just so they can actually undress and get _in_ the damn thing, he realises he’s only been fooling himself. Why, he cannot possibly fathom, because of course he wants to have _actual sex_. _With Cas_. _In the shower_. It’s probably because he still knows that when all of this is over, they’ll be getting in the (front seat) of the Impala and heading to either the nearest bus stop or the next state- and neither of those places are where Dean ever _wants_ Cas to go. But for reasons Dean is _really_ starting to not like but _apparently_ has to live with, Cas _has_ to _go_.

After what they’ve just done, it doesn’t even occur to Dean to be embarrassed as he shrugs his jacket off, then his flannel, then his t-shirt (he never really noticed that he wore so many _goddamned layers_ ). It's not until he's naked to the waist and stepping out of his boots that he looks over his shoulder to find Cas standing still, studying the toes of his shoes and pulling idly- anxiously- at the hem of his t-shirt. There's a light blush across his cheeks and for once, Dean is the one to squint in confusion. He turns on the shower and waits until it begins to steam before he spins on his heels, slowly  stepping into Cas's space. He tilts Cas's chin up with his fingers and smoothes Cas's hair back with his other hand. Cas looks at him shyly. Dean's brow knits with concern.

"Y'okay Cas?" He asks softly. "We don't have to do anything else, I mean if you don't want-"

"No, Dean." Cas pulls Dean in by the belt loops of his jeans, kissing him sloppily in a way that makes Dean's breath hitch. "I want every part of you. I just, the last time I was _naked_ with someone, it was-" he falters- "I just thought you might not want to see me like that- I thought it might remind you of her." Cas takes great care not to say April's name, but Dean's eyes fall closed just the same. He chuckles lowly, kissing gently at the skin beneath Cas's ear- Cas shivers and feels Dean's lips curl into a smile against his neck.

"You think a one night stand is gonna make me want you less?" Dean asks, though it really isn't a question. _Do you think there's anything you could do to make me want you less?_ "Or are you asking if I'm jealous? I'll admit to that. But really, it kinda only makes me want you more." He sucks hard on Cas's pulse point, grabbing his ass and rolling his hips for emphasis. Cas gasps and holds Dean tighter as Dean leaves hickeys down to Cas's shoulder, outnumbering the ones Cas gave him in the car earlier. _I want you so much more- I want you to be mine, no one else's, can't you see that?_

They're both half hard and breathing heavily when Dean breaks away entirely. Cas looks dazed and a little disappointed. Dean kneels and undoes the laces of Cas's shoes, tugging them off along with his socks. Cas gets the idea and pulls his own t-shirt up over his head and throws it onto the quickly accumulating pile of clothes. When Dean stands back up, Cas is quick to kiss him again, revelling in the feeling of their warm bodies pressed together. They fumble at each other's belts, refusing to break the kiss, and eventually, when they're completely divested of their jeans and underwear, they somehow stumble into the shower together.

The hot spray eases any remaining tension in their muscles, washing away the evidence of their previous orgasms. Dean refuses to think any further ahead than this very moment, so he lazily and rhythmically ruts against Cas, their erections sliding wetly together, setting every inch of his skin on fire. He runs his hands over every inch of Cas's upper body- his sculpted chest and hardened abs. He marvels at the muscles in Cas's arms and thinks about what they must be capable of. A shudder of arousal races through his body and he's suddenly sinking to his knees, eyeing Cas's thick length while trying to catch his breath.

"Dean-" Cas's voice denotes frustration at the lack of contact, until Dean takes Cas's dick in his mouth, sucking him down hard and working him over with lips and tongue.

Dean barely notices the soft thud of Cas's head jolting back into the side of the shower- all he can focus on is trying to remember what he likes having done to him to make up for his lack of experience. He swallows around the head and presses his tongue flat to the underside- that must have worked, because Cas groans long and loud and low. Dean resists the urge to jack himself off, because this isn't about him, it's about Cas, but when Cas presses his hand firmly to the back of Dean's head, rakes his fingernails over Dean's scalp, it gets a lot more difficult. He just settles for moaning around Cas as he sucks him, the taste of precome sharp and satisfying in the back of his throat. He wants Cas to come in his mouth, to swallow him down, to undo every moment Cas ever spent in the arms of anyone else.

"D-eean, I'm-" Cas barely chokes out a warning before he comes hard, instinctually thrusting his hips forward, releasing down Dean's throat. Dean is supremely grateful that he's never had much of a gag reflex- the taste is heavy and bitter and he knows right away that he's in danger of becoming addicted to it. He finally brings himself off, pulling away from Cas and coming with a cry. His forehead falls against Cas's leg, arms shaking with the force of his climax. Cas's back slides down the wall until he's sitting, his side pressed up against Dean's heaving chest.

"Cas." Dean huffs, his voice more gravelly than Cas's has ever been. "I'm an idiot. I'm such a fuck-up, and I never get this part right, I never get anything right, but I want you to know that I'm crazy about you. And I know right now that may not seem like much, but I- I love you Cas." Just as the weight is lifted from Dean's shoulders, another slams like a train into his chest, like a fist clenching around his heart. _Cas is going. I love him and he's leaving and it's all my fault_.

"I would be nothing without you, Dean." Cas whispers. His skin is pink with the heat of the shower, and water clings to his eyelashes when he blinks. Dean pretends not to notice that some of the drops on Cas's cheeks are tears. He pretends not to feel tears falling from his own eyes.

"Are you kidding? If it wasn't for my dumbass demon deal, you'd never have met me. I'd be rotting away in the pit and you'd still have your wings."  

"Dean." God, Dean wants Cas to keep saying his name like that for as long as they both live- his voice is full of longing and affection and devotion that Dean just can't understand but knows that he needs desperately. Cas pulls himself off the shower floor and crawls into Dean's lap, kissing him slowly and pouring everything that was in his voice into this embrace.

"Dean, I know what love is because of you. I would rather be human and be apart from you than be an angel and have never known your soul." Cas rests his forehead on Dean's and says these impossible words right into his mouth, but Dean still can't keep them down.

"I won't do this to you Cas. I'll come with you. I'll leave and-"

"Don't be foolish. Sam needs you here. You must wait until he's healed, until the angel possessing him leaves and he can once again stand on his own. And I'll come home." Cas holds Dean's face in his hands, forcing their eyes to meet. "I won't be gone forever. And besides," he kisses Dean once more. His speech carries the overtone of humour, but he can't hide the exhaustion and grief that rings in his voice, "I'm fairly sure that this ultimatum doesn't say anything about you coming to visit."

* * *

 

In the end, Cas leaves on his own. Dean convinces him to stay long enough to do the laundry, and they collapse exhaustedly on Dean's bed. Dean sleeps like a rock, which is ridiculous given the circumstances, and when he opens his eyes, it's as if he blinked and Cas disappeared.

He puts on his robe and stumbles into the hallway, making it to the library before Sam sees him and snorts.

"Nice hickeys."

"Shut up. Where's Cas."

"Wherever you booted him to. I mean seriously Dean? You couldn't even drive him to the bus station? He left half an hour ago. Said he was gonna hitch-hike."

"What the fuck?" Dean's nerves go into overdrive. "Doesn't he get how dangerous that is?"

"I already covered that. He's got his angel blade, and I gave him a gun and half a dozen clips. Plus he told me about the warding spell tattooed on his ribs, which you probably already saw given the state of your hair." Sam frowns, looking away from his laptop and physically turning in his chair to look at Dean, which he only does if he's about to say something important. "I don't get it, Dean. You kick the guy out with no reasonable explanation, hell, no explanation at all, and you lead him on like that? Goodbye sex? Really?"

Dean wants to scream. He wants to tell Sam absolutely everything, all the shit he's lied about and fucked up and ruined and- but Ezekiel's eyes flash inside Sam's skull and he feels the pull of his hands being tied.

"I don't expect you to understand. I'll explain it to you when you're older." He tries to salvage things with a joke, but Sam just scowls and goes back to his computer. Dean sighs heavily and goes back to his room. His phone's text-tone goes off, and he practically jumps over the bed to read it.

It's from Cas. Dean smiles despite the tears forming in his eyes.

 _I love you_ , it reads. _See you soon_.


End file.
